Re-Visit You…

Sometimes in life we are thrown experiences that we did not foresee all of a sudden the brakes are on the tyres are screeching and your direction has changed. Do you moved forward or do you turn around? How the hell do you even get yourself ready to get into first gear?… The shock the suddenness of it all, The acute sense of bewilderment and emptiness engulfs you to the core. How the hell do you ever feel right again? I say this because a number of years ago I had this experience.It stayed with me, it got under my duvet to gently nudge my brain awake at night time to remind me.. I failed.. It pointed at me in social situations, it pushed be right ahead of the awkward queue. It really left me broken.

Every morning I would wake up desperately sad and alone. Within 40 minutes my face would be on, so would my smile. The cloud I had hoovering over me made it to work with me, made it to the pub, made it to the supermarket it made it everywhere. Everything was a struggle everything  was a challenge. I would drive home with lumps in my throat. I couldn’t pull myself through. As I was obviously feeling this and feeling like an outsider in my own world I always assumed everyone else viewed me as an outsider, as loner and as incompetent . Things escalated it became apparent I was going to lose my job.

I had failed.And everyone knew I had failed. I felt the failure we walked hand in hand together.  So there I was out there on my own, people didn’t see the pain, they didn’t see me navigating through the pain or trying to reason with it to go away.The pain was winning.

 

Months later I sought help. The day you wake and you wished you hadn’t is the day to get help. I worked at it, I questioned me , my life, my family , and the people around me. Eventually I became wiser and stronger and realised the pain couldn’t win, the world would be the world but I would have to believe that yes I was important to the world. So I continued on, up days and down days.  But the thing that left me broken had repaired slightly but there were still some hairline cracks always there. If I had a few tough days I could feel the separation creep in.That  crack was getting wider, it could not glue itself back.

Then four years on I would cross paths with what I thought broke me and the feelings and thoughts of that time came back etching to shatter me again into a tiny million pieces. The dread of being back there filled me again, I felt like there were stones lingering in my gut. I was two seconds away from throwing up and or going numb. Again sleep escaped me. The time was here, it was time to come face to face with my old colleagues, my old office and what I was subconsciously welcoming back my old self.

 

Day by day I began running into more people from that time.To my sheer surprise and delight they were happy to see me again. They never passed me in the street without saying hello. It was me they were saying hello too not my twin named Shame. It was me they were asking to meet for lunch. It was me that they saw and me that made them laugh. The only person who never really saw ME was ME.. I became my enemy during that time, I looked on all that time, as a time where I was inferior and I wasn’t worthy. They didn’t not for one moment see this, they saw me as me. They left thinking the same as they always had. They left thinking they had stopped and said hello to an old friend. The penny had finally dropped for me. The only person saying hello to my old self was me and dragging her up wouldn’t do me a whole lot of good.

 

Having the chance to revisit my old place and really looking in has given me the courage to say – Go back with fresh eyes you may be surprised.

 

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Is Media Mental

Every year Mental Health groups and charities work tirelessly and spend millions & millions  promoting the message that “Its ok not to be ok” and try and reach out to people that are in a constant  battle against the demise of their mental health. I for one constantly come accross messages from charities, guiding people on how to identify people that appear to be progressing inwardly and or are depressed. Its appears this message to talk to someone or to be strong is undermind by the ugly face of our media. We find ourselves in an age where people suffering from Mental Health Issues is tabloid gossip.

Yesterday whilst scrolling through the twittersphere I came across a tweet from one of the largest amercian entertainment channels the tweet pertained to “the ramblings of Amanda Bynes “.

 Some of you may be aware that Amanda Bynes is suffering from schizophrenia and has been for sometime. Although I know nothing of her movies or television shows I know that she was a staple on celebrity websites. Imagine being more famous for your state of mind than your body of work? She spent years in the spotlight as a Disney star. Brittney Spears is another star that suffered a public meltdown and the world followed her through her irrational behaviour. The unforgetable head shaving incident and everything else that highlighted the fact that yes she was unwell.  As Amanda Bynes continues to show signs that she is ill and needs support we as humans consistantly follow her meltdowns.

Are we to blame? effiecitively it is us as people, that are creating the demand for this information, to know an ill persons every move, to know what she has said and the more random it becomes the more tabloid headings appear. Are we as guilty as the Papparazi? On a daily basis Ms Bynes is probably followed by anything up to fifty photgraphers. That in itself is pressurised enough for anyone to deal with. It is us as people putting the petrol in the cars of the paps, its is us making sure they get up for work each morning. The sad truth is meltdowns = moneys for these people. 

The question I am asking is are we right to do this as people? We are not responsible for her well being and we are not responsible for her condition. However in a world where we say its alright not feel like yourself its alright to feel depressed we then zone in on celebrities and deem it acceptable to feed of their demise.

This has got to change before people start to believe that  if they don’t feel right or have a down day,that they too will be ridiculed , that people will view them the same way that our tabloids  constantly do. The door is always open The daily sometimes gut wrenching battle that is mental health cannot be won whist the rags are writing more..  

Mental health victims deserve to be supported understood and not shared online…….

Mirror Mirror

Here I am sitting in a coffee shop at 5pm watching the world pass me by. All my plans scraped. Decisions are sitting at the bottom of a barrell. What is that decision you ask? Is it to go and volunteer in a homeless hostel? Is it to give blood? To meet someone really important to me, that I haven’t seen in long time?

 Nope, the sad unfortunate truth of today is my fear of myself has stopped going for an update. Shopping? Really is this woman off her head she decides a week ago that she will hit the rails and boom she chickens out..  She is a servant to her self depreciation.

Her fear of herself in front of a mirror is enough to turn off the engine and crawl back indoors . The thoughts of having to stand there under the strong torturing bulbs,confronted by herself versus  today’s media images wins again.. Why oh why does this happen? Is my world going to come crashing down if I need a size up?Is my secret self going to get discovered for Americas next top clothes horse if I look well. The answer to both of these questions is a No Dear.

People always say “you should go and treat yourself, go shopping” whereas in my head they are really saying “go torture your soul”. Go and have a look at the media’s idea of perfectionism and try to match it. In between the day-to-day life that consists of running a house, raising children on top of having a full-time job as well as being a wife.

 Yeah that’s easy I can fit in one hour gym sessions,I  have hours to sit in a chair having someone elses folicals, DNA and poverty glued to my head. Yes hair extensions, I can fit them in. Then afterwards I will have my mouth stuffed until I can no longer breath and get my teeth lazered until i cant close my mouth with the taste of the burning formula lingering in my mouth all day . Oh have we mentioned the eyebrows yes I can do that, I have the time for someone to paint Lego eyebrows on my face for all my friends to envy.  Am I beautiful ? Can you see the difference?

 And as I sit here another afternoon wasted, another victory for my wallet and another victory for the pretty ones I notice everyone looks the same. nobody is decked out looking like they are about to go live on Air!! I haven’t seen one face that resembles pure perfection. Not one body has earned a second look. And as I sit here sweating at the thoughts of the mirror… I wonder will anyone notice. And by notice I mean will anyone even look at me and say “Omfg” and lots of other new abbreviations, as we are too lazy to demonstrate we received English lessons at one point. Most likely not they might notice if I was naked or sad but no not to judge because the world doesn’t judge me I do.

The end.