Here I am sitting in a coffee shop at 5pm watching the world pass me by. All my plans scraped. Decisions are sitting at the bottom of a barrell. What is that decision you ask? Is it to go and volunteer in a homeless hostel? Is it to give blood? To meet someone really important to me, that I haven’t seen in long time?
Nope, the sad unfortunate truth of today is my fear of myself has stopped going for an update. Shopping? Really is this woman off her head she decides a week ago that she will hit the rails and boom she chickens out.. She is a servant to her self depreciation.
Her fear of herself in front of a mirror is enough to turn off the engine and crawl back indoors . The thoughts of having to stand there under the strong torturing bulbs,confronted by herself versus today’s media images wins again.. Why oh why does this happen? Is my world going to come crashing down if I need a size up?Is my secret self going to get discovered for Americas next top clothes horse if I look well. The answer to both of these questions is a No Dear.
People always say “you should go and treat yourself, go shopping” whereas in my head they are really saying “go torture your soul”. Go and have a look at the media’s idea of perfectionism and try to match it. In between the day-to-day life that consists of running a house, raising children on top of having a full-time job as well as being a wife.
Yeah that’s easy I can fit in one hour gym sessions,I have hours to sit in a chair having someone elses folicals, DNA and poverty glued to my head. Yes hair extensions, I can fit them in. Then afterwards I will have my mouth stuffed until I can no longer breath and get my teeth lazered until i cant close my mouth with the taste of the burning formula lingering in my mouth all day . Oh have we mentioned the eyebrows yes I can do that, I have the time for someone to paint Lego eyebrows on my face for all my friends to envy. Am I beautiful ? Can you see the difference?
And as I sit here another afternoon wasted, another victory for my wallet and another victory for the pretty ones I notice everyone looks the same. nobody is decked out looking like they are about to go live on Air!! I haven’t seen one face that resembles pure perfection. Not one body has earned a second look. And as I sit here sweating at the thoughts of the mirror… I wonder will anyone notice. And by notice I mean will anyone even look at me and say “Omfg” and lots of other new abbreviations, as we are too lazy to demonstrate we received English lessons at one point. Most likely not they might notice if I was naked or sad but no not to judge because the world doesn’t judge me I do.